Gay & Lesbian Dating:
To Commit or Not to Commit? That's the Question

By Christopher DeLorenzo
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine


Let me tell you a story about Mr. Liberated gay man, who moved to a gay neighborhood. Here he met a potential lover every day and three guys in his apartment building that he'd like to borrow more than a cup of sugar from.

To say the least, he was "in the life." Then, two months later, along came Mr. Adorable gay man who said, "Let's spend some time together." And it was blissful.

Was it happily ever after? Not exactly. Because the M-word came up within a month of their initial meeting: Monogamy was the demise of their relationship. Mr. Liberated gay man felt trapped, and Mr. Adorable gay man felt disrespected. The end.

How long is long enough?
Not a very happy tale, is it? Well, if you've experienced this story firsthand like I have, you're probably wondering just how long it takes before you commit.

Everyone has to answer that for him or herself. But I have a few suggestions to help you to navigate your way through a "monogamy conflict" and end up with a happier ending than the one above.

Give it time
How much time? Ultimately, you decide, but talk about it. This is one issue that people often assume everyone agrees on, but different situations call for different reactions.

If you have different ideas about when to commit (perhaps one of you has lived with a partner in the past and now you're experiencing "freedom" for the first time in a while), then agree to disagree. Trust is built when people feel as though their needs are understood and their boundaries are respected, so if you want to be monogamous, and your lover doesn't, set a boundary. Say that you'll allow them to date, flirt, do whatever they need to do to when you're not with them, and agree to revisit the subject later on. Once they've dated a bit, they'll probably realize that you are the best one for them, and they'll make a commitment when they feel it's their choice -- not your insistence.

Let go
Sometimes we have to admit that someone we really dig is not in the same place we are. Yes, you have to be patient. Usually people date for at least two or three months before they decide that it's time to talk about monogamy, but some people want to talk about it right away. Others never want to talk about it at all.

In the end, trying to convince someone that what you want is best for them will only lead to neither of you getting what you want. You have to compromise in the beginning, allow the other person time and space, but if they aren't committing after several months, you have to decide to let go. If this happens, part as friends.

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