Gay & Lesbian Dating:
How to Conquer Shyness

By Randy B. Hecht
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine


Even for the most outgoing among us, dating can be the social equivalent of running an obstacle course. If you’re shy, the idea of taking on that challenge can be anywhere from intimidating to overwhelming.


How can you deal with shyness and make sure it doesn’t prevent you from enjoying (or even participating in) social activities? Psychologist Greg Markway, Ph.D., who is co-author with his wife, Barbara Markway, Ph.D., of Painfully Shy (St. Martin's Griffin, August 2003) offered some advice in a recent interview.


“Shyness itself is a personality trait,” Markway explained, and one that is inherited. Does that mean shyness is not something we can “fix” or “cure,” but rather something to which we need to adapt?

“Mainly we need to learn how to accept what are the good parts of shyness, and we may need to learn how to adapt to a world that rewards more outgoing people,” he said. “So, we may have to find ways to change some of our behavior, but our basic initial tendencies may be a strength in some ways.”


Markway added that as a general rule, if you do a survey that asks people if they are shy, 40% of respondents will say yes. That shyness may apply across the board or be limited to certain situations. Parties may be particularly difficult for people, he said, because in that situation “it’s not as clear what you’re supposed to do as if you’re following some sort of basic outline or when you’re in a certain role.” He advises shy people to “try to look around the room and see if you see someone else who seems slightly uncomfortable…part of the problem with shyness is that we get so focused on ourselves, we forget that other people are feeling the same things.”


Another tactic is to mentally prep in advance. Markway notes that athletes have been proven to perform better when they mentally rehearse before their competitions. In the same way, using relaxation techniques, meditation, and visualizing things going well can improve your social “performance” in an otherwise stressful situation.


“If you look at the date as, ‘OK, this is a chance to go out and meet someone new and have a new experience, and then we’ll see how it goes from there,’ we tend not to be as shy because we’re not so invested in trying to control the outcome from the very beginning,” he says.


Finally, Markway cautions against being overly concerned with the impression we make on each person we meet. “One of the things I like to use is a quote from Ellen DeGeneres: ‘What other people think of me is none of my business.’ We worry so much about what other people are thinking about us, when in reality that might not matter so much, because all we’re looking for is someone that we match up well with. We’re not going to please everybody.”



Want more love? Go to AOL Personals.