Dating Self-Assessment

By Jim Sullivan
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine

This above all; to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man
-- William Shakespeare, Hamlet

We bring ourselves into the dating world. Before you begin dating, it's important to take stock of your relationship history and your gay social life. Use this selection on dating assessment as an opportunity for self-inquiry and reflection. Consider the following questions:

1. How many long-term relationships (lasting at least one year) or short-term relationships have you had, and why/how did they end?

Having been in a long-term relationship does not necessarily earn you a gold star. If it was a healthy and fulfilling union, though, you do bring a big plus to future relationships.

Did your relationship end because you simply outgrew each other and needed to move on? (Some men's exes become their friends for life.)

Did your relationship end due to a unilateral communications breakdown, or did both of you share the responsibility?

Was it a long-term relationship -- say, of five years' duration -- that needed to end after six months, but because you feared being alone, you became roommates posing to yourselves as lovers? (Some men can't fathom not being in a relationship. They reason that a warm body is better than no body and end up jumping from one partner to another with no real clarity or understanding of why their relationships are not working.)

2. Do they leave you, or do you initiate breakups?

Some men -- knowingly or unknowingly -- always dump lovers after a short period of time. They may gain a distorted sense of power doing this, but deep down, they are terrified of intimacy or even getting what they need from another person.

When men have told me stories about guys who disappear with nary a word, I feel for them deeply and beg them not to beat themselves up about it. At the same time, I ask them to determine whether there's any pattern of behavior in themselves that attracts such thoughtless men. (Some men, abandoned emotionally as children by their parents, suffer repetition compulsion: They unconsciously seek out men they think will love them but will ultimately abandon them, just as their parents did. In such cases, I encourage therapy for help in dealing with abandonment issues and the propensity for meeting emotionally unavailable men.)

3. Are you addicted to chaos, thriving only when there is a major drama in a relationship?

There is always some drama in relationships; but when it becomes high drama, we need to pull back and observe the part we're playing. The story of Sam and Roger is illustrative of two well-intentioned people coming together and, eventually, learning some of the hard lessons of being in a relationship.

Sam, now 44, is an investment consultant who grew up in an upper-middle-class family outside Memphis. Roger, 38, is an aspiring screenwriter living off a trust fund. After six years, Sam ended their relationship. They loved (and continue to love) each other, but could no longer be partners.

Roger is an active alcoholic, in and out of rehab centers for most of their partnership. Sam and Roger were classic co-dependents. Sam needed to take care of Roger; it gave him a sense of control. "Poor Roger" became more his child than an equal. Sam would clean up after him whenever Roger went on a bender, and, of course, Roger willingly played the bad boy. Each played into the other's negative qualities.

They were living in codependent heaven, oblivious of the "elephant in the middle of the room," until Sam started going to Al-Anon meetings and began to get a whole new perspective on the dynamic between Roger and himself -- that what he saw as helping Roger was no more than enabling. Sam could not let Roger live his own life, or make his own mistakes and hit bottom, if necessary, in order to face the demons. Roger, of course, played into Sam's caretaking instinct by crying a lot and recounting his miserable childhood.

When Sam did his self-assessment with me and confessed his attraction to alcoholics and alcoholic behavior, he was able to state emphatically that he did not want to go out any more with any alcoholic not in recovery, or to play a codependent role. A year after his break-up with Roger, Sam met Bertrand at a Gay Expo, and can now report that he has never felt better.

"I had no idea what it meant to be in a sane and nurturing relationship. The chaos is gone. I'm impressed how organized Bertrand is, and how terribly disorganized Roger and I were. We didn't balance our checkbooks. We would lose things. We were late for events."

Roger and Sam continue to be in touch. Roger broke his leg while in France, and Sam went over to see him, but established clear boundaries. (He stayed three days and came home.) There is still a little part inside Sam that wants to take care of Roger, but he now knows Roger has to grow up and take care of himself.

It’s called detaching with love.

Jim Sullivan coaches gay singles on dating and relationship issues and is the author of Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guy's Guide to Dating, Romance, and Finding True Love. He has 25 years counseling experience and holds masters degrees in counseling from New York University and in religious studies from Manhattan College. Jim has encouraged singles to "make the challenge of dating a positive experience" through appearances on Metro TV's Naked New York and BBC's That Gay Show, and makes regular guest appearances on Sirius Satellite Radio's Derrick and Romaine Show. You can learn more about Jim at www.boyfriend101.com.


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