Gay & Lesbian Dating:
Falling in Love With Your Ex

By Dave Singleton
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine


Dear Dave,
I was with my ex for two years. Looking back, I am not sure the reasons for breaking up were good ones. We just stopped connecting, but it's possible that we didn't try hard enough. For the most part, our time together was awesome. When we broke up, I was 27 and she was 26, so maybe we just needed to grow up. Anyway, we went our separate ways.

Recently, after a year of not seeing each other, we started talking again and all the feelings came back (at least for me). The upshot is that we're considering getting back together. Does that ever work? Or, is it usually the case that when it's over, it's over? My friends tell me not to waste my time like this. If it didn't work once, why would it work now? But my ex and I have dated other people and been miserable. And I never loved anyone like I (still) love her. So isn't it worth a try?
-Second Chance

Dear Second Chance,
You were barely born in 1979 when Peaches and Herb introduced their hit song ''Reunited,'' with the lyrics, ''Reunited and it feels so good.'' But does reuniting always feel so good? Can you turn a breakup into a makeup? It's certainly tempting. Lost loves have a powerful hold over our lives, according to psychologist Nancy Kalish, author of the book, Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances. She warns that such reunions can have mixed results.

Often, the results of a reunion can hinge on your understanding of why you broke up. What were the big issues? Are they still concerns? If you get back together, what would be different? As you probably know, experts say that history ignored is doomed to repeat itself, unless you obtain rock-solid clarity.

In some cases, two people can get back together successfully. According to psychologist Dr. Robi Ludwig, ''In some cases when it's situational, such as you are too young or your life takes you in different directions, then you can reach out and reunite.'' If the reasons for your breakup were related more to bad timing than to apparently irreconcilable differences, you've got a better shot at happily ever after. So you should definitely focus on why you broke up in the first place. If you aren't sure, spend time alone and with your ex talking about this before you renew a commitment.

If you don't spend time analyzing why your relationship ended, you might face unfortunate results similar to those experienced by Washingtonian Sarah Andrews, 35. ''I got back together with my ex without asking myself some big questions,'' Sarah says. ''Within three weeks, I was reminded why in the heck we broke up in the first place. I'll never do it again.''

If you decide to try again, make sure you consider these rules before you re-light the fire and get burned like Sarah did:

Ask yourself tough questions. Be courageous and search out answers to key questions, like:

• Do you miss your ex, or do you miss being in love? Reuniting out of loneliness is never a good idea.
• On some level, do you just want what you can't have? Is there some element of the chase that's appealing to either of you again? Remember, once the chase wears off, you must be able to rely on mutual respect, love and support.
• What will be different with her this time around? Will you be able to meet each other's partnership needs?

Don't reunite out of desperation. You have options. If either of you is fearful, depressed, or in the middle of any major life change (i.e., job, family illness), then don't enter into a partnership in the middle of such stress. Wait until you are better prepared to make a big decision about a healthy and relatively unobstructed future together.

Don’t listen to friends too much. First of all, your love life is not a democracy -- your friends do not get an equal vote. Yes, they can provide valuable input from their various perches, but ultimately you have to live with your decisions (literally!).

Don't fall back into old patterns. A new start requires new rules. The old rules (assuming you had some) didn't work, so you need to forge new ways of interacting. Minor problems become major if they're swept under the rug. Start working on strategies for how your rekindled romance could work.

Bottom line: Whenever you are faced with a really important decision, sometimes the best thing to do is to let go. Don’t act immediately on your feelings, even if they feel like proverbial hot potatoes. By showing your potentially rekindled relationship careful consideration, you are demonstrating the kind of maturity that will make you a valuable partner.

''What’s hard-won is appreciated more,'' says Dr. Ludwig. If your ex doesn't understand that, she might not be the best partner for you. But if she does, and if the feelings and commitment are mutual, your once-lost love just might be found.

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Dave Singleton is the author of the recent bestseller The MANdates: 25 Rules for Successful Gay Dating, a funny but completely true set of rules about the making (or breaking) of gay romantic relationships, featuring interviews with over 175 gay men.

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