Gay & Lesbian Dating:
Stop Falling for the ''Taken'' Trap

By Jon Wilde
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine


You know that indulging in forbidden fruit -- known as someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend--will probably get you in trouble. But do you keep taking bite after bite, even when you're getting sicker every time? Suddenly the one-time mistake of dating a person who's taken becomes a destructive habit -- and the only way to break a bad habit is to understand what's enabling it.

Problem is, there's no all-encompassing explanation for why people consistently seek out relationships with someone who is already involved. For instance, some have a fear of intimacy, others enjoy being ''chosen'' over someone else, and some simply like the lack of commitment. But there does tend to be a commonality. ''It is largely about self-esteem, in my experience,'' says Dr. Richard Pimental-Habib (drrph.com), a psychotherapist and author of the book 'The Power of a Partner: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Gay and Lesbian Relationships.' ''If a person does not feel worthy of a partner who can fulfill his or her needs, then they find somebody who’s not available.'' Logic follows that if you can change your mindset, you can halt the streak of unfulfilling relationships. So we've put together a few empowering pieces of advice to get you back in the driver's seat of your love life. And with a little luck, riding shotgun will be someone who's 100 percent committed to you.

Accept responsibility for your actions
When you find yourself in the same situation over and over, it's easy to paint yourself as the innocent victim with excuses like, ''I can’t help who I 'm attracted to'' or ''I'm not the one cheating.'' But in reality, you're only a victim of your own weakness. ''You're letting life throw at you whatever it wants to,'' explains Dr. Pimental-Habib. ''Instead, you need to take responsibility and do what you know is the right thing.'' So if you start dating a cute guy, only to find out three weeks later that he's already involved, be the one with the strength to end it. ''The healthy thing to say is, ''I'm disappointed, but I have to draw the line,'' says Dr. Pimental-Habib. ''You should have done it, but now I have to do it for both of us.''

Take some time for yourself
When you're in the heat of the moment -- feeling irresistibly drawn to someone who's taken--it's easy to swat away fears and ignore consequences. But you can protect yourself against bad decisions by pausing to assess the situation. Take a step outside, go to the bathroom, fake an incoming phone call -- just get a few minutes by yourself to figure out if this position is exactly what you're trying to avoid. Worried your own reasoning skills may be rusty? ''If you don't trust yourself to make the right choice, call a friend and say, ''It's happening again. Talk me down,'' advises Dr. Pimental-Habib. ''Use your support system.'' What are friends for?

There are always more fish
It's never easy to walk away from someone who makes you feel good -- and it may be even more difficult for gays and lesbians, according to Dr. Pimental-Habib. ''Let's face it: the pool of gay people is smaller, so there are fewer of us to date.'' But don't settle for someone who's involved just because he buys you a drink or she thinks you're sexy. It may take some time, but all you need is one perfect, committed relationship to break that bad habit forever.

Hire a professional
It's not uncommon for habitually poor relationship choices to be the symptom of more serious issues. According to Dr. Sandra Cox, a Kalispell, Montana psychiatrist, being abused as a child and/or an adult is an example of trauma that can subconsciously affect how you approach the relationship process. Don't be ashamed to call the pros. ''Sometimes we need an objective third party who's trained in how to help us,'' explains Cox. ''Friends are great, but they'll try to spare your feelings and tell you what you want to hear. A therapist will hold up a mirror and show you what you might not want to see.'' The truth may be painful, but it provides an opportunity to understand -- and change -- a behavior that causes you so much heartache.

Jon Wilde is an editor at Maxim and has written for Men's Fitness, Cosmopolitan, and Thrillist.com.

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