by Aliyah Baruchin, for Match.com's Happen magazine
Down-low behavior -- men who identify themselves as heterosexual having sex in secret with other men -- is as old as human history. But the concept exploded on the national stage in 2004 with the publication of J.L. King's memoir On the Down Low and when author Terry McMillan announced that she and her husband -- the inspiration for How Stella Got Her Groove Back -- were divorcing because she discovered he was gay. Much of the media coverage that followed it focused on African-American men, but King stresses that being on the down low "is not just a black thing. It crosses all ethnic boundaries." Here are straight answers to five common questions about the phenomenon.Why are guys on the down low?
Some men on the down low (or on the DL) are gay, some are bisexual, and others insist that they're actually straight. A number of factors compel men to keep their behavior secret: confusion about their own sexual orientation, a lack of honest communication about sexuality, and, most of all, homophobia. "The largest thing is society," says William Bland, director of community programs at the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. "Men are expected to be in certain roles as it relates to family, career, that kind of thing. So it's difficult for someone to throw away all that to be more out about their sexual activity." While the frenzy following King's book seemed to suggest that men on the down low were numerous, Bland thinks the actual numbers are probably slim. "It's not something that you see commonly," he says.
What's the difference between a guy being on the DL versus cheating with a woman?
"It's infidelity either way," says Dr. Bill Grey, a psychotherapist and director of continuing education at the Philadelphia Consultation Center. But discovering down-low behavior is very different, because it's not just your partner's fidelity but his sexual identity that's in question. "A woman may think, 'What else don't I know about this man?'" says Grey. "And sometimes the woman will really attack herself, asking, 'How could I not have known?'" Finding out that a man is on the down low also sends straight women into completely unfamiliar territory in terms of competition. "If she wants to compete, she can compete with another woman; she knows how to do that," says Grey. "But with another man, how does she deal with that?"
Can you tell if a guy is on the DL?
Some experts say that because men on the down low are so vigilant about concealing their behavior, ferreting it out may be impossible. But others disagree. What's tricky here is that, as Bland and Grey agree, it's crucial not to discourage men from having male friends -- and besides, men on the down low may have multiple anonymous hookups rather than an ongoing relationship with one man. Instead, Bland says, look for the traditional signs of infidelity: "Basically, how would you know if your man is cheating?" Grey agrees. "Unaccounted-for amounts of time, a secret phone number, a lot of hang-ups on the telephone, that kind of thing," he says. "There may be repeated absences, comments from friends, even finding male pornography, and then hearing, 'Oh, I don't know how that got in there.'" J.L. King advises women to look for one more clue: a nagging gut instinct. "If a little voice in you tells you something's not right, and you see little hints, like maybe you accidentally got into his email account, or you overheard him having a conversation, or you noticed something strange in his behavior, and you can't put two and two together, then get real nosy," he says.
What do you say if you think a guy's on the DL and hiding it?
Before you confront a guy you think might be on the down low, Grey says you need to understand what you're in for. "What would be the advantage of finding out? What's the advantage of not knowing?" he asks. "If you find out this is true, how is it going to affect your relationship? What do you hope the outcome of a conversation like that will be, and what do you think it actually will be? And what will it do to your relationship if you're wrong?" Grey also warns that men on the down low are already expert manipulators. They can turn the accusation back on their accuser and try to make her doubt her own sanity, as King says he did when his wife first voiced her suspicions. If that happens, Grey advises, stick to your guns and take it to the next level -- getting help -- by any means necessary. "I would say, 'You're right, you do have a crazy, jealous, hysterical girlfriend, and we need to go to counseling about this,'" he says.
If he is on the down low, what now?
Certainly one of the primary concerns about down low behavior is the increased risk of HIV transmission. Though African-American men on the down low have recently been blamed for a rise in HIV infection rates among African-American straight women, more recent studies suggest that down-low behavior is only one of many factors contributing to those higher infection rates. But men on the down low can and do put their female partners at risk, both physically and emotionally. All the safer-sex basics are critical here: If you have suspicions, talk frankly with your partner, use condoms, and have regular screenings for STDs and HIV.
In addition to the question of HIV, you have two separate decisions to make: Can you live with his being bisexual, and can you live with his seeing other people? Some women won't want to do either. For others, bisexuality itself isn't necessarily a deal-breaker as long as they're being told the truth or as long as their partner can commit to being loyal to them. If you don't get that commitment but you want to stay together, Grey believes that can happen if you two are willing to communicate and work through the issues so each person's needs are acknowledged. And though it may be enormously difficult, King asks women to try not to judge a man on the DL "because he is dealing with his own sexuality. He's probably always been a good worker, a provider, a lover and a friend. Be open to listening. If he comes to you, work with him to get the help he needs."
Aliyah Baruchin contributes to Essence, Rx.com, and Vanity Fair.
Jul 2nd 2008 @ 11:37AM
Camila said ...
Must be the thing to do these days.