Articles & Advice

Print Article When looking at a list of the greatest needs that men and women have in a marriage, the similarities are striking -- love, kindness, intimacy, humor, and affection all make the list. It seems that in many ways, human emotional needs trump gender-based tendencies, and this makes sense given that we live in a society that has emphasized greater equality and shared emotional responsibility.

But not so fast. When it comes to the needs of each gender, there are emotional needs -- perhaps created in part by hormones, traditions, or peer evaluation -- that distinguish men and women.

Men NEED to Be Admired

We're not talking about hero worship or blind faith. Admiration is earned, and most men feel a tremendous need to prove to their spouses that they deserve the admiration they desire.

At some primal level, the sense that your mate looks at you with a mix of wonder, pleasure, and approval creates a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and pride for most guys. Most married men can endure periods with low levels of affection, kindness, and humor, but the lack of admiration in a relationship seems to shrink a man. He wants to be admired for his prowess as a breadwinner, a problem-solver, and a protector.

A wife's ability to express this admiration can come in odd and surprising ways. If a man chooses a new restaurant for a special dinner, and his wife is thrilled with his choice, that feels like admiration. He sees her pleasure as an indication of his prowess -- in this case, as a provider of food.

On the other hand, the power to withhold admiration can be a wife's greatest weapon. In the dark movie A Simple Plan (1998), Hank (played by Bill Paxton) earns a comfortable living working in a grain factory. His wife, Sarah (played by Bridget Fonda), is happy in her pregnancy and in the assurance that her husband will continue to provide for her and her family's needs. When Hank, his brother (Billy Bob Thornton), and a friend discover more than $4 million in a wrecked plane, the relationship of the humble couple is sorely tested. Sarah remains supportive and encouraging while the three men plot to steal the money and later share it among themselves. However, when the money slips away from Hank, Sarah turns on him and questions how she can go on "scrimping with just enough to get by, to live with a man that barely makes a living, who makes [her] save pennies to buy secondhand dresses." This dramatic revelation makes Hank question if Sarah ever loved or respected him. He is crushed.

Displays of admiration come in several common forms.

1. Verbal praise -- It is impossible to overestimate the power of a simple "I'm so proud of you."

2. Exhibiting trust in his decisions -- This doesn't mean you always go along silently. Rather, when it comes to areas where he has expertise and experience, you accept his guidance.

3. Refraining from public dispute -- Nothing hurts a guy like being told he's wrong in front of his friends or strangers.

4. Giving him the freedom to figure it out -- Men NEED to figure things out. That's how they conquer and feel affirmed.

5. Publicly build him up -- If you make a habit of building up a man in public, he will go to the ends of the earth for you.

Women NEED to Be Cherished

Cherish is one of those words that everyone knows but few can define. It means to treat as precious, to nurture and care for tenderly. In marriages where there is a slow drip-drip of inattention and lack of nurturing toward the wife from the husband, she can become alienated and, ultimately, emotionally absent.

A woman needs to feel that she holds a place of special esteem in her husband's eyes -- that she is worthy of a unique kind of tenderness and attention. Despite her accomplishments in the outside world, a woman needs the reassurance that her husband is happy to listen to her problems, honor her capabilities, and cherish her special place in his heart.

Of course, cherishing is often one of the first things to go in a long-term relationship. The day-to-day business of living together and managing a family can push aside the quiet time when cherishing behavior tends to flourish. Here are several great ways to keep your cherishing skills strong.

1. Create a "reference guide" about your wife -- It's a simple one-page document that dives deep into the things, both big and small, that your wife loves. Watch her and note as many of her loves as you can -- perfume, clothes, books, movies, hikes, wines. Build a list of the ways you can surprise your wife with a special treat.

2. Make space for her -- This may be hard for men, but it is vital. Step back from your job, your hobbies, and your pals. Plan something special that is outside your normal routine and take her along.

3. Carve out time to chat and listen -- Sit facing each other, look her in the eye, and ask questions. It's simple and powerful.

4. Tell her what she means to you -- Another hard one for many men. Tell your wife about the good things she has brought to your life, and do it often.

5. Show her what she means to you -- Saying "I love you" is powerful. Taking your Saturday and doing the 5 chores she's been asking you to do for months is even more powerful.

And yes, to some degree, men need to be cherished (in a manner of speaking) and women need to be admired. But in terms of rank, these special needs have a unique place for each gender. Take some time to practice these tips on your spouse, and see if you notice a difference.

Next: The Key to Marital Happiness