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4 Telltale Signs Someone You Love is Lying

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Filed under: Communication, Sex, Relationships, eHarmony

Posted Sep 15th 2008 10:36AM

Print Article unhappy couple lies in bed Not every love is true, and not every partner faithful -- but how do you know when to spot that your lover is lying? Here are four clear signs...

Body Language
People don't lie just with their mouths -- their whole body can't help but join in. Sometimes the signs are subtle, but each subtle indicator can add up to a whole slew of clues that your loved one is hiding the truth.

The biggest telltale is eye contact: the more a person veers from the truth, the more his or her eyes veer away from directly engaging with yours. Unless you're an Oscar winner, it's hard to tell a barefaced lie to someone while looking deep into that person's eyes. So when asked a direct question, a lying lover's eyes will look away or dart around, focusing on anything but yours.

Similarly, as liars' eyes get busy, so do their hands. They'll touch their face, wipe their mouth, fiddle with their hair, stroke their throat and rub their eyes, displaying a complex series of nervous movements. This is often accompanied by too much talking: liars feel the need to over-explain their answers, go into too much detail, fill up all the pauses. Intent on covering up the real story, they invent a scenario so detailed that -- in their mind, at least -- you can't possibly believe it's not true. If you question their story, liars are likely to get defensive too, throwing similar accusations back at you.

Additionally, something about their emotional responses will seem different -- physically, they won't seem genuine. They may laugh, but only their mouth is moving, not their whole face. They may look angry, but it's a simplified, superficial, cartoon version of anger -- not the full, uncontrolled version you may be more familiar with.

Of course, just because your partner does some of the above doesn't make him or her a liar. But if these actions and movements seem new and unfamiliar, they should be taken into account.

Schedule
When you've been living with someone for any amount of time, you quickly get to know that person's schedule. Perhaps your partner is the predictable-as-clockwork type: home by 7 p.m., 8:30 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays after a session at the gym, pasta dinner on Wednesdays, glass of red wine on Fridays. Even people who are less predictable probably follow some patterns: They phone as they're leaving work, they like at least three nights a week in front of the TV, they maybe squeeze in a basketball game or a drink with friends every couple of weeks or so.

Whether your partner's schedule is subtle or obvious, because you've gotten to know it, you should be tuned in to any type of change, which is one of the biggest signs that your lover is lying. A partner who is cheating is going to have to work out the logistics and schedule some new time for this new lover. As the amount of hours in a day is obviously the same, that new time is coming out of your time together.

The initial signs could be slight. It could start with your partner simply getting home from work late; maybe he or she doesn't look too pooped after a supposed gym session; or maybe he or she looks too pooped after a late meeting. A lying lover is likely to start disappearing randomly and showing up late unexpectedly. The skilled cheat may invent a new project at work or a new sports team to join -- something to make room for the philandering. If this is the case and you're suspicious, ask for details, track your partner's consistency and use the details mentioned above in the "Body Language" section.

Not everyone who has a new work project or hobby is a cheat, but you should be able to ask for the kind of information that will help you either feel more comfortable -- or become more suspicious.

Habits
Even the most flexible of us are creatures of habit, despite our best intentions. But when these habits are broken, it can be a sign that your lover is cheating.

One thing secret lovers do for that new person in their life is make him or her more aware of their physicality. They rethink their clothes, their hair and their weight. They start to see themselves as a new partner might see them, and they aim to make themselves as attractive as possible to that new person. It can start with a new outfit, the type of contemporary clothing you've not seen your partner wear since you started dating. Then comes a haircut, something to shape the unruly mess you've been looking at for the last lord-knows-how-many years. After years of not caring, maybe your partner has started turning down the fries and going with a side salad instead.

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Remember too that these habit changes don't have to be just physical. Perhaps your partner has stopped leaving his or her cell phone on the coffee table, or started deleting the web browser history. Perhaps your partner is letting more calls go straight to voice mail.

Again, it all has to add up to something, and one item by itself is no reason to call a private detective. Put these actions all together, however, and it could be a different story.

Affection
Despite the cinematic image of the classic adulterer leaping from bed to bed and satisfying all those whom he or she encounters, the reality is that even a cheater's conscience can get in the way of physical prowess. This is why the more your partner is working that magic elsewhere, the less affection you'll be receiving at home.

The first sign of infidelity is simple: less sex for you. Whatever your usual amount is, you're likely to see a marked change. Three times a week can quickly turn to once a week, then once every two weeks. Other signs are more subtle: less eye contact during sex, infrequent kissing and gentle touches, less reaching out to touch your hand or scooching a foot over in bed to touch yours.

Once again, not everyone who's withholding affection is an adulterer -- work pressures, general insecurities and even the side effects from prescription medications can bring changes to your physical relationship. But combined with the other changes outlined here, fewer displays of affection can be a clear sign that your relationship is in trouble and your lover is lying.

Next: How to Read Your Date's Body Cues

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