Surviving Thanksgiving Dayby Sari Locker, Ph.D., for Match.com's Happen magazine
Whether you've been single for a while or are just getting back into the dating scene, you probably have a few ideas about what your love life should be like at this age. Maybe you've even joked to yourself, "What love life? Aren't I too old to act like a hormonal teenager?" But the truth is, these years can bring on your very best sexual experiences. To show you how, I've laid out some of the most common misconceptions about sex at this age, and explained where faulty logic may lead you astray. Keep these reality checks in mind and plenty of satisfying experiences await.Myth #1: If you're having sex with someone, you can assume it's serious
You may remember back in high school when, after three dates, you were officially a committed couple. But times have changed. Today, even if you've been dating and/or sleeping with someone for months, you can never assume you're exclusive -- or, for that matter, that your one-and-only is dying to find a life partner and settle down. Many 50-somethings want to date around, especially if they're divorced and experiencing single life again for the first time in years. So, don't get so caught up in the excitement of your new romance that you let this crucial detail slide. Many people find that the best time to pop the question is once it becomes clear that you may soon start having sex. If that's your case, consider saying it this way: "Before we sleep together, I need to know this relationship is exclusive." Or if you've already crossed that line, it's completely fine to pull back and say, "I'm not comfortable continuing to sleep with you unless we're in a committed relationship." That way, you're both clear on your expectations and won't be blindsided by surprises.
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Myth #2: You're too old to worry about STDs
Just because the risk of pregnancy is gone after menopause doesn't mean you're in the clear when it comes to having unprotected sex. Sexually transmitted diseases can be passed from partner to partner at any age and aren't merely something younger generations need to worry about. According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 23 percent of the total diagnoses of HIV in the past year were in men and women who were 45 or older. Overall, about 10 percent of all people with AIDS in the U.S. are age 50 and older. And that's not all there is to watch out for -- herpes, HPV, Chlamydia, and other ailments are all surprisingly common in this age group. So make sure to use condoms and consider both getting tested before you jump into action.
Myth #3: Your aging body is no longer as attractive as it once was
Sure, many of today's most prevalent sex symbols -- Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Justin Timberlake -- are young. Still, there are plenty of celebrities over 50 -- Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Connery, to name a few -- who prove that people can be hot at any age. So stop worrying about your wrinkles, gray hair and less-than-youthful assets and revel in the ways age has made you even more seductive: Now, more than ever, you're in touch with your turn-ons, turn-offs, and what makes you tick. And that's very attractive! Plus, take a cue from some of those older hotties I mentioned by staying fit, getting a new hairstyle, or splurging on a new outfit or two to feel fabulous and up-to-date. Also, if you are meeting someone, forgo the sedentary dinner date and ask this person to go on a walk or dancing instead. Revving your energy like this can boost your body image and pave the way to a lustier post-date encounter.
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Myth #4: Sex should feel the same as it did when you were younger
It's a fact of life: Sex is going to feel different as you age. Post-menopausal women lubricate less, which can make sex uncomfortable. Men over 50 may find that their erections are not as firm or frequent as they were when they were younger. This is all normal, and in no way means you can't enjoy yourself by making some adjustments. Consider getting a water-based lubricant (many are available at drugstores) to help out where nature has left off. Men, see a doctor to find out if Viagra or a similar medication will give you the boost you may need. But products and prescriptions are not the only solutions. When the action's lagging, consider switching from intercourse to oral sex or asking each other, "What can I do to make you feel good?" Keep the lines of communication open, and you'll easily adapt to your body's changes and those of your partner.
Myth #5: By this point, you know what you like -- and should stick to it
Think you've been there, done that with all things sexual and have a good handle on what floats your boat in bed? Guess again: People's tastes and turn-ons change through the years, and sometimes, the only way to figure out what works is to try it -- or, if you already did decades ago, give it a second chance. Maybe sex toys seemed silly or embarrassing to you during your younger years. Now, however, they are an array of cute, non-threatening products available in non-sleazy stores and online sites (like Goodvibes.com). Or, maybe you were never a fan of a certain sex position (like woman on top) or activity (like talking dirty). Well, now's the time to reconsider. It sure beats doing the same old, same old for the next few decades. Treat sex like the ongoing adventure it should be, and the fun will never end!
Dr. Sari Locker, Ph.D., is a sex educator, TV personality, and author of the bestseller, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex. She has an M.S. in sex education and a Ph.D. in psychology, and was the host of Late Date with Sari on Lifetime Television. Her website is sarilocker.com.
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Sep 23rd 2008 @ 6:39AM report
Love implies unity, and must be selfless; it is the convergence and interplay of parts in a harmonious whole. True love seeks concordance between the two lovers, and efficiently combines the parts to functionalize the whole. In a fundamental sense love means joy and its fullness in an uplifting relationship. If you lack joy in your relationship and instead suffer fear, depression, or sadness, then you are not in love. Love is a perceptible spiritual and intimate experience. Love is intimate and passionate, involving one’s fervent desire to feel the other person’s presence and affection, an intense feeling to share and belong in wholeness. Love then withers when compelled by circumstances to slow or shed its momentum. Even then, love’s withering process is slow and often reluctant to pass away, staying open to the possibility of a quickening renewal. It is vital, in realistic terms, that you systemically reassess the possible viability of lingering love before you extinguish it. If you extinguished it with lingering feelings of attachment or regret, you then would have an unwholesome baggage to carry around for quite a while.
Physicists and social scientists closely share a common plank on the theories of affinity, attachment, and bonding. Love is cognitive, being an observable social experience. Love necessarily consists of intimacy, passion, and fulfillment. Fulfillment manifests itself in the quality and quantum of compassion that sustains the romance. Love progressively insists on mutual fulfillment. Romantic love generates and stirs sensation, passion, and enthusiasm in the relationship. Romance is a unifying influence in every relationship, harmonious and compassionate in quality, exciting and elating in nature, mutually fulfilling in physical sensation, and consciously uplifting in mental particulars.
Much like the cosmos, true love boasts a universal theme in its manifestation of order, harmony, and internal beauty. The dynamic mechanism of love and romance will not settle for less than it deserves and expects. Love’s expectancies, however, are likely to end in frustration if they are one-sided. Further, one would have a rational difficulty identifying passion’s endpoint as it progresses towards commitment, if it ever does. Passion, a matter of emotional intensity, is the logical subject of stimuli, and may wane or wax at any point in the progression. The demarcation between passion and intimacy or between commitment and love is inexact and ought to be so.
Passion, discernable in infatuation, lust, or true love, manifests itself in strong or mixed emotions that are neither constant nor amenable to quantification. The preference here is to conceptualize passion as a transferable emotion rather than a transformable emotion. Thus, it almost is impracticable to peg, fix, or isolate changes in passion or ascertain the exact points of change in emotional progression. This is so because emotions are subject to oscillation and vacillation, continually responsive to internal and external stimuli. To be sure, relational progression is not linear either in form or substance. Passion oftentimes is intense and overpowering, removed from sober rationalizations that may drive or dissuade one’s desire to consummate a relationship.
Love hardly is open to unfolding gradation. If a love relationship is to thrive, passion must run through the entire gamut, from intimacy through commitment. In its componential character, passion could well be an uneventful gesture substantively devoid of any marks of progression beyond the enthralling ecstasies of the time. While the idea of romantic love may appear as a bundle of enthralling ecstasies, its distinguishing mark is its amenability to advancement from bare attraction and association to soulful convergences in time and space. Love and romance create and operate in an electric environment that has ample capacity to elevate the spirit and the consciousness.
The search for a “Mr. Right” thus is elusive and illusory because true love recognizes and thrives on recognizable imperfections. In this construct, the quintessential perfect-couple model emerges as the consummate variety. In real life, however, the problem with the perfect-couple variety is that it often thrives on outward appearances and cosmetic projections. Perfection is utopian in its thrust and expectancies.
The perfect couple is more likely to encounter serious problems in a relationship than the imperfect couple. For the married as well as the unmarried, a sense of perfection may produce the ostrich mentality, wherein pretense rather than reality sways the relationship. In all likelihood it will be self-deceiving for a couple to play the colorful ostrich, pretending that everything is normal and settled even in the midst of serious and threatening relational problems. One plays the elegant ostrich, self-deceptively so, when one refuses to face the obvious problems in one’s relationship, acting as if all is well.
A lot of times mates and couples whose relationship is in distress continue to create and project a make-believe impression of normality. Such couples seem more concerned with the negative or praiseful opinions of outside observers than they are with finding immediate solutions to their relational problems. The warning sign of a problematic relationship is when exterior appearances overtake internal consistency. At that point intimacy and passion begin to fizzle, and the relationship sets bound for a collapse unless the couple expeditiously moves for remedial action.
Love never grows old as long as it stays alive. Candidness helps love stay alive, but pretense ruins a good relationship. There are many relationships that thrive on cosmetic appearances, mere showpieces of love without substance in fact. It is not surprising, therefore, that there are married persons who actually have not submitted to love. A woman and her mate, whether married or unmarried, are likely to suffocate their relationship if they fail to be candid to each other. It is surprising and discomfiting to find a man and a woman who for several years have been in a loveless relationship, but for some reasons seem determined to sustain the facade and likeness of a blissful romance. Yet, between them there never was love or the love was long lost.
It is never too late, of course, to fall in love if the romantic parameters are present and retrievable. For new acquaintances, falling in love is vitalizing and ecstatic when it proceeds from the point of honesty and candidness. For the married or unmarried couple, submission or resubmission to love is opportune and correctively refreshing. Love is true to itself and will wither in infertile grounds.
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