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Let's say you're a true-blue Democrat - you even voted for Mondale! - and you've just clicked with a great guy. Things are going wonderfully, until your date mentions the unthinkable. No, he's not straight; he's a... Republican. You're shocked, but you're not alone. It's easy for anyone to assume that when they have tons in common with a date that the date naturally shares their political leanings. So what do you do when you find yourself out to dinner with an "enemy" voter: Attend party fund-raisers as penance? Go home and give up? Or can you try and make it work?

"There's not one formulaic answer to the question of political difference," says Don't make politics the focus of date number one. Dr. Mark J. Evans, a New York City psychotherapist. "Some people's politics are very close to their hearts, and they're not able to set them aside, and for others, political leanings aren't a big issue." If you like the person you're seeing a lot, the experts say to start with these four steps.

1. Set the issue aside for a second
Try not to react with shock when you learn that your sweetie is of a different party than you assumed. Gay men and women should know better than anyone how damaging it is to assume something about a person they've just met, right? When it comes to dating and politics, it's smart to decide whether you like your date as a person first, rather than viewing him or her as just a donkey or an elephant. "I would never ask a date their party affiliation on a first date or meeting," says Jim Pease, president of the Tampa Bay, FL, chapter of Log Cabin Republicans, a gay-rights activist group. "When politics do come up, I usually just say that my views are on the conservative side. To the best of my knowledge, that's never been a relationship-ending issue.

Letting someone become familiar with your interests and values first will make it easier to manage if it turns out you're politically opposed. Once you and a date know each other a bit, you will be more likely to understand why this person has those beliefs. And this, in turn, prevents a knee-jerk reaction like "You free-wheeling hippie/you fundamentalist, you!" when learning that you're across the table from a Democrat/Republican. Pease, who is now in a serious relationship, says that past dates with Democrats went smoothly. "My boyfriends and I always shared enough of a love of sports, movies, books, travel, or Home Depot that our politics didn't matter.

2. Respect your date (even if he's wrong)
The bottom line is that communication is key to a healthy connection, even if your date's politics are different from yours. The key to making things work, says Evans, is respectfully talking about your differences: "If couples are able to talk respectfully about any issue, even if they disagree, it's a good sign," he says. "That's a crucial quality of any relationship at any stage." Sure, you might feel frustrated and even emotional during political debates, but if you both engage intellectually, you won't walk away taking it personally. In fact, you'll probably come away with a deeper understanding of your own politics... and your date's.

3. Use the "party line" to delve deeper
If you do discover that you have different "party" styles, find out which core tenets of the political group are attractive to your date-few people are cookie-cutter Republicans or Democrats. This can help you help you know each other better and evaluate if you have enough common ground to move forward. Yes, if your date's Healthy debates can make for healthy dates. Political stance reflects deep values that are unacceptable to you, the relationship probably won't work out. But you may find out that the issues that drew your darling to the party are perfectly palatable to you. "As a Democrat, I'm open to dating a Republican, but it depends on exactly what the other guy's entire belief system is," says Todd Griffin, a graphic designer in New York. "If he's fiscally conservative and has a traditionally Republican theory on taxes, that's not a problem. But if his beliefs are staunchly pro-life, anti-gay-marriage and generally socially conservative, there's no way we'd work out. Those would be powder-keg issues that would keep coming up, and I know I wouldn't want to deal with that.


4. Take advantage of shared passion of politics
If you're a politically-motivated personality, you may find it more satisfying to hang out with someone who's your polar opposite than someone who doesn't know or care about politics at all. "I'm turned off by people who are disinterested in politics," says Jimmy LaSalvia, president of the Log Cabin Club of Kentucky. "I want someone who's informed, even if his views are different than mine. When I engage in a stimulating discussion on issues, I'm more likely to find something I have in common with the person than our politics might make us believe at first." You may find that the same thoughtfulness and activism that spurs on your political pursuits are attractive qualities in a mate, even if he or she expresses those differently. As long as your goal is conversation - not conversion - healthy debates can make for healthy dates. "A bit of tension and difference in opinion can actually enliven a relationship," says Evans.

Next: Just Out and Dating

Stephen F. Milioti is a freelance writer and editor who contributes to New York and Salon.