Articles & Advice

Jeff: Time to pull another question out of the mailbag. "How can I win over my girlfriend's parents, who currently dislike me?"

Jeanette: If you are not a nice person, maybe that's why they don't like you. So first off, ask yourself, am I a nice person? And be very honest with yourself. Or ask some people you know. "Hey am I a nice person?" If they are honest people, they'll probably level with you. Of course, if you yourself are neither honest nor nice, that might be two strikes against you right there.

Jeff: And if you, yourself, are not nice or honest, odds are your friends aren't either! Also, don't ask someone if you're nice, while you're holding a baseball bat. Because you might not get a straight answer.

Jeanette: You should also keep in mind that it's possible that you're completely paranoid and imagining that your girlfriend's parents don't like you, when really they get along with you fine. Or maybe they're just not very verbal people about how they feel. If you definitely get strong signals, such as them saying, "We don't like your kind; stop dating our daughter," then that's when you have an issue to contend with. You could also ask your girlfriend if she has noticed that they don't care for you, and if she has any suggestions for how to deal with it. If she has not noticed, you could bring up some specific examples, talk it over in a non-hostile way, and don't put your girlfriend in a position of having to defend her parents.

Jeff: Don't take the attitude of "they don't get me, so that's their problem." If that's your approach, well, then that makes you a narcissistic tool. Sorry, but them's the facts. If you want things to work, then you are going to have to put the effort into it. Try to figure out some things that your girlfriend's parents enjoy. What are their interests? Do some research if you have to, but have something substantial to talk about with them. If you're able to engage them in interesting conversation, that will go a long way to develop a bit of a bond between them and you, beyond that they are the parents of your girlfriend.

Jeanette: I would caution against politics and religion as conversation topics until you know them well enough to approach those with a delicate touch, and/or if you already happen to know that you agree with them on political and religious topics. Nothing will start a fight faster than politics or religion, especially if they've already told you, "We don't like your kind; stop dating our daughter." But in all seriousness, getting the approval of your girlfriend's parents is a huge deal, especially if she's close to them, and hopes to stay that way. Nothing is tougher than trying to bridge that gap if you've put a wedge between her and her parents. So above all else, work amicably toward solutions, and perhaps accept that they might not always "get you," but if you're polite, friendly and easy-going, instead of rude or defensive, they'll have fewer things to dislike you for.

Jeff: My dad always preached a "Leave It To Beaver" approach to conducting yourself. He'd say, "Be Wally Cleaver, not Eddie Haskell." So if you're a guy, be Wally, not Eddie. If you're a girl...

Jeanette: Be Patty Duke.

Jeff: Be Patty Duke, not Leather Tuscadero. Two different shows, but you get the idea.

Jeanette: Oh, well, then be Joanie Cunningham, not Leather Tuscadero.

Jeff: Joanie was annoying. Be DJ Tanner, not Kimmie Gibbler.

Jeanette: That analogy will only make sense if you grew up in the 80s and watched "Full House" on TGIF. Then again, the Wally/Eddie scenario only works if you grew up in the 50s and watched "Leave It to Beaver."

Jeff: Don't underestimate the power of TV Land. Anyway, just be considerate, and ... oh, yeah: TGIF. Forever.

Jeff & Jeanette are professional writers living in the Seattle area. They are not professional therapists, but hope to help with your relationship dilemmas anyway. Send your questions to jeffandjeanette@aol.com.