Articles & Advice

If the Pilgrims and Indians managed to slog through Thanksgiving without killing each other, don't you think you should at least be able to survive your girlfriend's family? Here are some tips for making it back home (or at least back into the car) alive, and with your relationship in good working order.

Don't offer to slice the turkey. Absolutely no good can come of this. Either your potential father-in-law, in an exaggerated show of generosity, will actually accede to your request - resulting in torn skin, spattered clothing, and recriminations that will last for the next 20 years - or he'll be so unnerved that he'll botch the job himself, hacking off a finger or two in the process. (By the way, even if you host Thanksgiving dinner at your place, it's still your girlfriend's father's prerogative to carve the turkey. If he refuses to cede pride of place to your own dad, let them duke it out on the front lawn.)

Don't get into discussions about genealogy. Just because your girlfriend's aunt's maiden name is "Schickelgruber" is no reason to doubt that her ancestors traveled over on the Mayflower. Just smile and nod and ask her to pass the cranberry sauce.

Don't share your views about politics... Unless you're absolutely, 100 percent sure of your girlfriend's family's political leanings, keep your feelings about the recent election to yourself. If your viewpoint and her family's viewpoint will cause a state of civil war over the election, be polite and leave your comments unspoken.

...or football... Talking about sports may score points with your girlfriend's dad, but it'll only irritate your significant other and her mom, who'd much rather discuss shopping and other girl-type stuff. On second thought, if you don't know a touchdown from a grand slam, it may not impress her dad all that much, either. Just smile and nod and say the turkey is really yummy.

...or television. You might not think that much depends on the relative merits of "The Apprentice" and "The Benefactor," but families have been torn apart over less. Plead ignorance by claiming you don't own a TV, or if the subject turns to movies, say you're waiting for it to "come out on DVD." (Needless to say, you don't want to talk about music or books either.)

Play it safe: don't say anything at all. It's cold and flu season, so a sudden, severe case of laryngitis won't seem as suspicious as it might over the 4th of July weekend. If anyone persists in asking you a direct question - or even passes you a napkin so you can write down your response - hold your breath and pretend to choke on a piece of stuffing. With any luck, they'll put you in the bedroom to recover, and you can just go to sleep until it's time to leave.

Bob Strauss is a New York-based freelance writer and the author of Who Knew? Hundreds & Hundreds of Questions & Answers for Curious Minds.