By Rachel Greenwald
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazineDear Rachel,
I started dating a fantastic guy two months ago. He is 49 and never married. All my friends warned me that there must be something wrong with him. How can a man reach that age and not have found his mate? My friends tossed around all the usual possibilities as they guessed what could be wrong with him: Is he a commitment-phobe? Is he emotionally unavailable? Is he a mama's boy? Is he a workaholic? Is he gay? Nevertheless, I started dating him and find him to be warm, attentive, kind, funny, and we have great chemistry. However, I can't get my friends' warnings out of my head. I've asked him in a roundabout way why he's still single, and he told me that he just hasn't found the right person yet. Is that possible, or is my relationship doomed?
- Julie in Pittsburgh
Dear Julie,
Your friends' guessing game sounds very jaded and cynical. Let me guess: your friends are all single and have been hurt before by a man who didn't commit to them? It's natural to be jaded and cynical when you've been "burned" before by an older single guy (as your friends may have been), but that is a terrible cycle that you must resist. If you take a risk on loving someone whose profile is "suspect," and it doesn't work out, try very hard not to get cynical about love and wary about taking chances. No one is attracted to a jaded and cynical person, and no one ever finds their mate by standing on the sidelines and avoiding risky situations. It becomes a bad cycle.
Of course I've heard all the stereotypes of the "never-married older guys" and seen many cases where those labels have proven true. But I have also seen many cases (and attended weddings!) where a genuinely wonderful man has simply not found the right woman yet, and rather than settle, or marry someone only to get divorced later, he has waited. And the same holds true for never-married older women, obviously!
You should also consider that priorities change for people over time. While he may have been "afraid of commitment" in the past, or a "workaholic," he may have reached an age now where he realizes that he wants a commitment and family and all the ensuing benefits. Especially when he meets someone who makes him feel that way. Sometimes it's like a switch just gets flipped and that "terminal bachelor" walks down the aisle to everyone's surprise. Whatever the real reason about why he is still single, you should allow for the possibility that attitudes and priorities can change over time.
Should you stay in a relationship more than six months with a 49-year-old man who doesn't demonstrate with actions that he is serious about you? No. Should you be cautious and look for warning signs that he is a terminal bachelor? Yes. Should you have honest conversations about his past relationships and feelings about marriage now? Absolutely. But should you stay away from a wonderful man simply because his age and marital status are "suspect?" Definitely not.
Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., is the author of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School.
She appeared on The Today Show and has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Fortune Magazine, and People Magazine. Want more love? Go to AOL Personals.
