By Randy B. Hecht
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazineYour kids are grown and out of the house... and you’re single and dating again. Suddenly, the tables are turned. All those protective urges and embarrassing questions that arose when your children started dating are about to come back at you for a little payback. Your kids want to know whether those prospects you’re dining and dancing with are good enough for you. They want to know about your dates’ previous relationships. They wonder aloud about his or her job stability.
Welcome to the brave new world of dating with adult children. What can you do to encourage the best relationship between your kids and a new love interest? Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship With Your Mother And Father, has some advice on getting things started on the right foot at that crucial first meeting. Here, her three success secrets:
Really manage that first meeting
When organizing the first get-together, try inviting a mix of people to encourage more casual socializing. “If you have four or six children, you don’t want to overpower the poor other person. You may want to do one or two at a time,” she says. Another option is to “do a group thing and throw in a couple of friends, so it doesn’t seem that the person is being evaluated. Because let’s not beat around the bush: This is truly an evaluation.”
Consider ways to take the pressure off your new love. Rather than a quiet dinner which can feel like a job interview, organize an activity -- a visit to a museum or rowing in the park, perhaps. Throwing some entertainment into the equation can make that first meeting less stressful. But there’s a tradeoff, as Newman points out: “The parties involved won’t get to know one another if you’re at a concert, a ballgame or a movie, and the purpose of this meeting is to get to know each other.” However, it’s a good option for some -- especially if your children and/or your partner tend to be anxious in social situations or not so very communicative.
Conversation strategies 101
Do a little prep-work to ensure that the conversation flows. First, if you’re the person being introduced to the kids, learn something in advance about the adult child’s interests so you can steer the conversation toward things you have in common. One surefire strategy, if the adult children are parents, is to ask about their children. “People love to talk about their kids, so there you’ve got a huge conversation-starter,” says Newman. However, young grandchildren should not be included in these getting acquainted sessions until you’re pretty sure this is getting serious, because children get attached very easily. If you are the parent, introduce your new love to the kids, give your sweetie a cheat-sheet on each child (just a Post-It on each one’s personal life, job, hobby or favorite movie should do fine).
What else can you talk about? Although politics is a potentially volatile subject, Newman points out that “if you’re in the same territory, it could be a very safe terrain. People like people who have the same or similar attitudes politically, so that could be a very strong bonding point.” Just do your research in advance to make sure everyone’s on the same page before broaching the topic.
Get the good stuff out there
Make sure to say to your kids, before you all meet, why you’re so positive about this relationship. “You want to be sure your child knows how much you love this person, how happy you are, what good care he or she takes of you. That goes a long way in getting approval,” Newman says. And if you’re the effusive type, go ahead and revel in your new relationship when your honey and kids are together. Sprinkle some “Isn’t he great?” or “I told you she had a great sense of humor!” comments into the conversations. Those sort of good feelings are contagious.
Remember: Your children want you to be happy, and -- given a little time -- they’ll probably grow to cherish the new person in your life as much as you do.
Randy B. Hecht is a New York-based writer and editor.Want More Love? Go to AOL Personals. 