Baby Boomer Love:
Widowed & Getting Beyond the Loneliness
Q&A With Dr. Gilda Carle

By Dr. Gilda Carle
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine


Dear Dr. Gilda,
Here is one I bet you've heard before: I met a man online. Let me explain my situation: I was widowed after 23 years with my husband. He died very suddenly -- needless to say, I was devastated. We loved each other very much and had a great life together. Eight months later, here I am thinking about having this man whom I met six weeks ago relocate to be with me.

I am afraid it might just be loneliness, but he and I have talked extensively and honestly, both online and on the phone. However, I have three grown children, two stepchildren, and many grandchildren. My sister is looking forward to meeting him, but when I told my youngest daughter that I had a boyfriend, she let me know that was not okay by saying, "You aren't allowed to have a boyfriend." Now I am hesitant to tell the rest of my family and think I might just have him come here first and deal with the consequences after. Any advice?
-- Widowed and wondering

Dear Widowed and wondering,
You were happily married for a very long time and you suffered a devastating loss -- it's perfectly natural to be lonely now. It's also natural to want to duplicate the wonderful life and husband you lost.

Online romance is a wonderful invention, but it can tend to move quickly and speed up the illusion that you truly know someone. You've been corresponding with and talking on the phone with this new guy for only six weeks. While you say that you've been open and honest, you won't truly know that he has been the same until you spend time with him face-to-face.

Here's what I suggest: Agree to meet at a central location for a weekend. Make a reservation at a hotel and have him do the same, with both of you agreeing to stay in separate rooms. Be sure that each of you agrees to pay your own way so that nothing becomes misinterpreted. This way, you'll also be protecting yourself in case your gut tells you this isn't the man for you and you want to leave.

At this early stage of being out there dating, your goal must be to learn to differentiate great guys from those who are not so great. I would slow things down with this particular fellow and follow my Gilda-Gram: ''Friends first, lovers later.'' Get to be buddies with a few men you meet online, go out with friends, and join some local community organizations, which are also a great way to meet men. You don't need your children's approval to get out and about in this friendly way. And remember, of course you are allowed to have a boyfriend. And, of course, their reactions come from wanting to protect you before your loneliness leads you to do something rash.


Relationship expert Dr. Gilda (www.DrGilda.com) has a private practice, is a motivational speaker and associate professor of business, psychology, and communications at New York's Mercy College.

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