Love -- Does Mom's Happiness Matter?
Dear Sugar & Spice ... I have a good friend whose nine year old daughter dislikes her boyfriend of a few years. I believe that it is from the ex telling her bad things, but she won't admit that's why. My friend is miserable inside since she deeply loves this man, but knows her daughter's feelings comes first. So if her daughter can't like him, then she can't possibly make it work. She is lonely not having a man in her life. The boyfriend is a wonderful guy and I know he would be good for them if she could just get her daughter to open her mind. Should my friend explain that her happiness is important too and let that be the guiding vote?
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A Little Sugar
I agree mom's happiness is extremely important since, if she's not happy, you can't expect those around her to be happy too. That said, the jealous ex isn't going to fade from this picture anytime soon. What needs to happen is for mom to put her ex in check by establishing ground rules with him. He can't go around causing strife by spewing his venom via their daughter. The daughter, by no means, is to be pulled into this mess. Once mom does this, the road blocks should lessen -- giving her new beau a fresh chance at winning both mom and daughter's hearts.
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A Lot of Spice
You should tell your friend that she doesn't have to choose between her daughter's happiness and her own; she can have them both, and she doesn't need her 9-year-old's permission to do it. After ruling out any serious reasons why her daughter isn't fond of her boyfriend, she should feel free to proceed with her relationship. Unless there's some inappropriate or abusive behavior, children should never be allowed to control who their parents date. This is the perfect time for your friend to teach her daughter that, especially if your theory about the ex is true. But she should also be prepared to listen to any and all concerns that her daughter might have about the guy, each and every time she wants to talk about it. That way, she'll get to the root of what's really bothering her and they can work through it together.
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What Others Are Saying
- ''The daughter does not get to decide how her mom lives her life. That being said, the mom should really look into what the daughter is seeing that she doesn't like. She shouldn't be to quick to dismiss the objection as jealousy or just not wanting her father replaced in her mom's life.'' -- ASB2DCX
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