Dear Sugar & Spice ... I am still dating the same man for the past nine years -- I am 32 years old and he is 26. Through time, he seems to be changing from when I first met him when it comes to intimacy. He enjoys sex a lot, which is not a problem for me, but he likes to watch porn when we're in the bedroom. He knows it makes me uncomfortable so he now watches it before or after we have sex. Sadly, this makes me feel like I am not satisfying him. I've even caught him taking matters into his own hands. This is bothering me emotionally and, although I have talked to him about it, he continues about his business. Is there anything I can do to make him focus on just me?
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A Little Sugar
Nine years is a long time of ''same old ... same old.'' Don't look at porn as replacing you or even augmenting what you already provide, but it's one way to liven up something that may have become routine. Relationships require constant work, excitement and attention. Once you go from dating to marriage (or living together), this is when the real work begins to keep things fresh. Trust me; his porn interest isn't something you're going to wean him from so you'll need to figure out how to incorporate it into your play without compromising your own feelings. As for your interests, what will spice up sex for you? This is an excellent time to explore your fantasies, even a chance to have fun at his expense. Tell him that, like porn turns him on, so does seeing him dress up in your lingerie. That will send a clear message that kink will be enjoyed by all and not just him!
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A Lot of Spice
This sounds like a problem that has less to do with your ability to satisfy him than you think. He was just a teenager when you got together, so maybe he's feeling a little restless. On the other hand, if he's watching porn that much, he might have some kind of sexual addiction that is out of your control. An estimated 15 million people are suffering from sexual addictions these days, everything from compulsive masturbation to habitual voyeurism. Do yourself a favor and read up on it and if it applies, try to get your long-time love some help. Otherwise, you may have to get used to sharing your bedroom with Debbie, or whoever's doing Dallas these days.