Dear Sugar & Spice ... I married my best friend who I've known for almost 15 years. We have two kids and, for the most part, are a fantastic family. He's handsome, athletic, funny and smart. However, there are just a few things that strike me as being odd. First, he used to go gay clubs all the time until I complained. Second, he's got two gay men calling him at strange hours of the night. On the flip side, he had an emotional affair with a female coworker for over 10 months until I found out. And if that wasn't enough, now he has female coworkers asking him out on dates. He tells me I am jealous and insecure. Our kids are both under 10 and, when he moved out for two months a year ago, the kids were devastated. He says he will change, but is this possible?
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A Little Sugar
At this point, it's probably unlikely he will change. He can adapt his behavior and try to blend in like a chameleon, but it's not going to be permanent. He loves the ladies ... and quite possibly the fellows too. So instead of fighting it, see what you can tolerate so that you're satisfied too. You have to take the good with the bad since no one is perfect. And it sounds like he has a lot to offer when you look beyond his crazy and flirtatious ways. You need to educate him that there is a difference -- going from best friend to husband -- with a couple rules he needs to adhere to. And with two kids, even more so that he understands his responsibility. Love isn't black and
white -- that's what makes it fun.
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A Lot of Spice
For best friends, you two sure aren't acting like it. Friends, if nothing else, are honest with one another and right now, you're not even being honest with yourself. You're too busy focusing on the symptoms -- gay clubs, gay men calling, emotional affairs and flirting with female coworkers -- to deal with the REAL problem in your relationship. Wake up. There's a reason that he's building all these intimate relationships outside of your marriage. Unless you take the time to figure out what it is, you'll always be chasing him around begging him to change something. Open your mouth and talk to him. Do it now, before you find out he's doing more at those clubs and with those co-workers than you think.