Dear Sugar & Spice ... I've just left my husband of seven years and have recently fallen for a man who I met online. He just lost his wife and is raising his 11 year-old daughter who has taken to me quite well. He said he wants to marry me, but he always wants to talk about his dead wife -- embarrassed when he catches himself doing it. I'm wondering if we want to be together because we're both hurt or if there's really something worth trying out? Do you think it's going to be hard to fill the place of a woman that he really loved and lost so soon? I'm 33 and he is 45 so I really would like to know before I even try to make a life with this man.
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A Little Sugar
It looks like you're both hurt and, right now, still trying to figure each other out and what you both want. Your ex husband and your boyfriend's deceased wife will be part of whatever you choose to have together, although in memory. It takes time for those memories to be replaced with new ones. Those individuals were, at one point, an important part of you and your being. You can't instantly wipe the slate clean and start over nor do I think you should. Recognizing that life changes, it's time to figure out if this can become a new love. I say move forward, but don't rush things. First step is to focus on being a good friend. The pasts will be there just as long as they aren't used as comparisons -- the old love versus the new. If that happens, then this is probably not for you.
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A Lot of Spice
Why are you in such a rush to get right back into a relationship? You just left your husband; don't you want to give yourself some space and time to heal? Even if you don't want to, you really should, partly because you're even questioning your own motives when it comes to him. Certainly it's possible that you could have both gravitated toward one another out of hurt, but it's also entirely possible that what you've developed is something worth trying out. The thing is, there's no definitive way to tell. But one thing is sure; you will never "fill the place" of his deceased wife. If you two do get married (and I hope you date for a while longer before you do) then you should have a place all your own.