Gay & Lesbian Dating:
When Your Date’s a Bad Kisser

How important is your kissing prowess to the dating process? I interviewed an array of gay men and lesbians, and the responses I heard often echoed what Kenny, 28, from Pennsylvania, had to say: "Bad kisser equals bad date. For instance, my most recent date, Jim, 32, was attractive, smart, and we hit it off immediately. I was looking forward to an awesome goodnight kiss. But it was awful. There’s no way to take the chemistry test beforehand, so I chalked it up to experience. Some things you only learn by doing."

Can you tell if a person will be a good kisser?
But is there any way to find out ahead of time if your date will pass the kissing test? The jury's out. Some agree with Kenny's trial and error approach. "You can’t know if she'll be a great kisser," says Mary, 32, from Florida. "I kissed my girlfriend goodnight in public after our first date, and it wasn't good. I was disappointed and almost gave up on her. But the next time we went out, she kissed me at her place and the fireworks went off. It turns out she's just shy with public displays of affection. In private, it was sexy as hell."

Others think you can get an advance, almost psychic read. "You sense chemistry," says Linda, 43, from Maryland. "During the course of my date with Jeanine, I leaned in to speak with her a few times, and I could just feel the heat. I knew the kiss would be fantastic!"

"Usually I can tell," agrees Bill, 35, from Washington, D.C. "But in those rare instances when I am wrong, it's so disappointing. Recently, I went out with a guy who was great in every way. But the kiss was a zero. I was surprised, because we'd spent a great evening together. The good conversation and vibes just didn’t translate."

When unsure about a date's kissing potential, some people go about hedging their bets in very usual way. Consider the case of Atlanta native Stephen, 35, who had the chutzpah to conduct a background check! “I was going on a date with my neighbor John,” says Stephen. "I knew someone who dated him, so I asked the guy to tell me if he was a good kisser. Was it a little inappropriate? Maybe. But curiosity got the better of me, and I wanted to avoid disappointment. John got a good kissing review and lived up to the hype."

What if the first smooch is crummy?
Should you give it a second chance is the first kiss isn't what you hoped? Or is one bad kiss enough for a kiss-off? There are some hard-line types who'd say one shot at smooching is all a person should get. Rob, 42, from Virginia puts it this way: “A bad kiss is definitely a kiss of death to dating potential." Or listen to how Lisa, 35, from Charlotte, N.C., explains it: "Bad kissers are usually bad at everything else too. I usually call it quits if there's no sizzle in the kiss."

Fortunately for kissing's "late-bloomers," not everyone is so quick to jump the gun. While most agree that bad kissing is a dating deal-breaker, some say that one bad kiss, from someone with good potential, may be worth a second shot. Explains Frank, 41, from Maryland, "One bad kiss is not the end of the world. There are ways to make up for it. If I like the guy, but it’s an awkward first kiss, I suggest ways to make it better, like, 'go a little slower' or 'less tongue.""

Rhonda, 37, from Boston, puts another spin on it: "People take time to get used to each other, so I can move past a bad first kiss. Sometimes, it’s just a bad day and things aren’t always perfect." Says Sam 29, from Berkeley, "I once went out with a guy who was so nervous -- you could feel the tension in his jaw and mouth, seriously! But we'd had such a great date, I wasn’t ready to give up. So we went and got an after-dinner drink, took a stroll after, and had an amazing kiss on a quiet corner under a street corner. Honestly, I think everyone deserves a second chance, whether you're talking about a bad first date or a bad first kiss … and I think you can lead someone a bit by the way you kiss…you’re showing what you like. It is not a lost cause!"

So if you do have a bad first kiss with someone but still feel there's some chemistry, why not give it another shot? You could be pleasantly surprised … just like Sam was.

Dave Singleton's books, 'The MANdates: 25 Rules for Successful Gay Dating and Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to You Straight),' are available now.

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