Gay & Lesbian Dating:
Gay, Single & in Your Midlife?

If you're a gay man at midlife and could use some advice on finding the kind of relationship you're hoping for, here's help. Listen in as Rik Isensee (www.rikisensee.com) – San Francisco-based psychotherapist and author of 'Are You Ready? The Gay Man's Guide to Thriving at Midlife', shares his wisdom.

Q: In your work, what have you found to be the prevailing attitudes of midlife gay men on dating?
A: It's difficult to generalize, of course, but I find that a lot of midlife men are more serious about finding a relationship and not as interested in meaningless sexual hook-ups. At midlife, many gay men begin to question the importance of sex in their lives. This is due in part to natural physiological changes, so there isn't quite the same urgency in their sexual appetites. I believe this change in attitude is also due to an increased level of self-acceptance, so in turn, I think midlife gay men are not as compelled to seek out sex as a form of self-validation. Many midlife gay men want more of a connection.

There are also gay men who at midlife figure that they will get most of their needs for companionship met through close friends and simply don't want to be bothered with all the compromises like dealing with chores, cooking, and cleaning that are necessary to share a home or maintain a long-term, intimate relationship. Romance can easily fade when couples are wrangling about who's going to take out the trash, wash the dishes, or clean up the apartment. Because of this change in attitude at midlife, I think some guys are satisfied having occasional sexual encounters without the expectation of an ongoing relationship, while others fall into this choice because they've gotten discouraged or just don't know how to deal with domestic conflicts. In fact, some studies have shown that gay couples who live apart are just as satisfied as those who live together , assuming that's what they both want.

Q: What do many gay men find most surprising about dating in midlife?
A: There are a couple of developments that I've found interesting to observe. One is gay men who have found themselves becoming involved with a close friend who they may have known for many years and never thought of as a romantic partner. One couple I worked with, Jon and Greg, come to mind when I think of this. They knew each other for a number of years and had always found each other attractive, but Greg was already in a relationship when they first met, so the possibility of dating never came up. One night after Greg's relationship had ended they were talking about how hard it is to find compatible men to date. Then it occurred to Jon that they had a lot in common, so why couldn't they try dating each other? So, he said, "We're both attractive, eligible men. We have some common interests in open communication and spirituality. I wouldn't want it to interfere with our friendship, but I've always felt some attraction toward you. So how would you feel about dating?" And it turned out Greg was feeling the same way.

They took it very slowly, and dating felt like a natural deepening of their friendship. At least in the beginning, they were able to listen and respond to each other's concerns and enjoy just hanging out, but if something came up, they were able to deal with it in a way that they think they might not have had the maturity to do so had they hooked up when they were younger.

Q: Any other surprising paths to love that you've heard about?
A: Another midlife dating surprise I often hear about is men who run into someone they had a fling with many years ago, and striking up a new relationship. This one couple I knew, Steve and Sam, had met each other in their twenties during a casual fling. Sam moved out of the area and they lost touch, but they met again through mutual friends some thirty years later. They were able to see each other in a new light that led to a more serious relationship. They were attracted to each other in the beginning, but they were both still curious about who else was out there, and not ready to settle down. Since they'd both been around the block a few times, they were both clearer about what they wanted. In the meantime, they had also both become HIV-positive, and they had grown tired of trying to date HIV-negative men -- there was too much fear and concern about safety at times when they wanted to feel close and intimate. Sam and Steve were able to relate to each other on a whole new level -- which included a willingness to be more vulnerable with each other by expressing feelings and dealing with whatever differences came up between them. At midlife, they had the maturity to work through these differences, rather than using them as a reason to move on.

I suppose that not that many midlife gay men end up falling in love with their best friends or re-kindling a romance with someone from their past, yet I think both of these examples illustrate the willingness at midlife of gay men to consider other qualities aside from an initial sexual attraction. Many at midlife are no longer satisfied with just a fling -- they want something more substantial.

Q: Are there any rules that you feel most gay men believe apply to midlife sex?
A: If there's an initial attraction, many gay men often have sex pretty quickly -- there's not the same sort of brakes on sexual contact that women frequently enforce in heterosexual dating. The upside is that at least they find out whether they're sexually compatible. The downside is that it can sometimes be confusing to figure out whether they're just a hookup, sex buds, or pursuing a romantic relationship. While this doesn't always change as gay men enter midlife, I do think many are more conscious about safe sex and taking care of themselves both physically and emotionally.

Q: In your opinion, what is the most common mistake midlife gay men make when dating?
A: The most common mistake I see midlife gay men make involves their attitude towards aging, which affects many of their actions concerning dating. Many are trying to hold onto a youthful image of themselves that no longer matches their true situation in life. If gay men put youth on a pedestal, when that pedestal eventually crumbles, so does their self-image. Unless gay men at midlife have an image of another way to live that's promising and appealing, it's easy to succumb to the temptation of self-indulgence -- which often comes in the form of excessive partying, going to bars or sex clubs, etc. -- for as long as it lasts. These behaviors can be problematic if they're done out of desperation -- or a hope that they will bring a true sense of happiness or contentment.

Q: What can gay men do to develop more confidence at midlife?
A: At midlife, gay men gradually separate from their former identity as a boy or a younger man. This doesn't mean that they give up youthful attitudes or aspirations, such as keeping fit and active, but they recognize that a shift is taking place within them. As this happens, many begin to re-assess the possibilities of what can happen in midlife. Ideally, as they become more aware of and peaceful with the passing of their youth, their sense of self is no longer so largely determined by how others see them. With this realization, they can develop more of an internal sense of self-reflection and definition and not rely solely on their youth, physique or looks as the key to making connections with others.

There are a lot of new venues nowadays apart from the bar and sex-club scene, where older men are making new kinds of romantic, sexual, and spiritual connections. These include tantric spirituality and massage classes, gay retreats, and travel excursions designed specifically for gay men (beyond the usual circuit parties or cruise ships), with interests in cooking, outdoor sports, spirituality, or cultural travel.

Q: What are the best pieces of advice you can offer to midlife gay men who want to "thrive" in their midlife relationships?
A: Although coming out forces gay men to grapple with a major shift in their self-concept, for many, there is still a mistrust of other men that can interfere their emotional connections. A relationship often elicits our own unresolved issues around abandonment and homophobia, but talking about what's coming up -- rather than fleeing -- midlife gay men have the opportunity to resolve these issues and expand their capacity for intimacy. Part of this authentic connection is not only with another man but with themselves. Midlife gay men, more so than younger gay men, realize what's really important to them, and they're willing to speak up about it and engage with other men about their thoughts, feelings, and values.

Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of www. thefamilygroove.com and regularly appears as a guest on XM Radio's 'Broad Minded'. Her blog, 'I'm Somebody's Mother?' can be found at www.chelseakaplan.com.

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